TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, GAINS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Team Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it might come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That is the eyesight guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical advancement-slash-luxurious real estate calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Sure, the man who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. And not the standard Dubai skyline filler both-no, we are conversing Damascus, the city historically known for historical lifestyle, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.


"It's going to be large. Remarkable!" Trump declared by using a leaked golfing cart Zoom call, streamed from your Placing eco-friendly within Mar-a-Lago's Situation Bunker. "We've had wonderful ceasefires in Syria. A number of the greatest. But now, we're building them with balconies."



Welcome to your Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca inside of a falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and completely from position. Built by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower features:




  • A 3-flooring On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Satisfied Hour right up until the drone flies")




  • In addition to a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses claimed combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 years for potable h2o. But Certainly, certain, let us have A different location where American Gentlemen can wear robes and contact it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains plus a pillow menu, of course."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas plan analysts are calling this one of the most audacious peace endeavor because Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Even though prior negotiations failed under the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's strategy is easier: offer Everybody a collection around the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


In keeping with files released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal features "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration among rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, finish with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is delicate ability," said political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a deal plus a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO would not. Geopolitical gridlock desires fewer diplomats and much more minibar upgrades."



What the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, generally into gold-plated intercoms set up Trump Tower Damascus in Every unit. The UN Distinctive Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination noted, "It's actually not that Trump shouldn't open a tower inside a war zone. It really is that he need to stop working with it to lease ballroom space to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned concerning the job, replied, "You recognize, male, I at the time rode a camel in Beirut. Very good individuals. Terrific tan. In any case, do I nevertheless have that ice product?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a suite for "long run proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred on the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility from the Levant."



Satellite Pictures Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit disclosed that the lodge's landscaping sorts a large Trump head seen from Place, a function currently being promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is created from refugee tents plus the chin is… very well, labeled.


Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits immediately after finding the setting up's gold plating reflected so much sunlight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set fireplace to a local melon cart.


"It is really not simply unappealing. It's a war crime with curtains," claimed Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing along with other Puzzling Capabilities


Perhaps the strangest aspect in the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made of:




  • A silent atrium wherever company may contemplate vague disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian Bed room, complete with climate Manage established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.




Local Syrians are unsure what to create of the. "Is she a ghost?" requested twelve-yr-previous Ahmad, pointing to some holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing and advertising Technique: "In the event you Bomb It, They Will Arrive"


The advert marketing campaign, just lately leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. One particular poster reads:


"Peace is Temporary. Luxury is Endlessly."


One more slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso stores:


"A Tower So Significant, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Public reception is wildly divided. A latest SnapPoll done inside of a hookah lounge shows:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this could escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% reported "where's the closest elevator on the West Financial institution?"





Investor Praise: "Eventually, a Crisis That Pays"


The undertaking is presently attracting focus from international buyers, which include:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights to be a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who claimed he'll get 3 penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




As outlined by a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business amount will also involve:




  • A Dollar Retail store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Identified as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Place According to the Iraq War





Remark Portion Chaos


Within the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb post about the unveiling, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are unable to wait around to find out a wedding in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades as an alternative to rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Last but not least, a lodge where by my PTSD may have switch-down provider."


One more publish from @KuwaitiKardashian only requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Impact


U.S. officers stress the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Property Arms Race." Reviews suggest:




  • China could open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is setting up a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly made available to build a Tesla showroom over the Golan Heights driven by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. As outlined by https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has offered to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the best flooring "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Last Thoughts from the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside a closing ceremony that involved a few camels, a flamethrower, and a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed around the speakers:


"Damascus desired hope. It wanted gold. It essential a waterslide shaped such as the Structure. I gave all of it three. You're welcome."

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